http://www.where.is.that.stupid.page/darnit?!

I don't want to say that the Web is a completely dysfunctionalwaste of time, but thanks to several years of online blundering, Iwill never have trouble remembering my friend Doug's apartmentnumber: 404, the "file not found" error code I have seen about 404million times.

Why does the Web work so badly? What can you do when the sitedoesn't want to be found? Like most computer-related trouble-shooting, it's all about patient experimenting -- and knowing when togive up.

1) Spell-check check Web addresses are exactly like phone numbers-- no typos allowed. There's no forgiving mailman to decipher yourmis-typed URL, or Uniform Resource Locator. (Some clever Weboperators, however, have staked out common misspellings to luretraffic to their own sites -- try visiting http://www.microsfot.com.)So check that whatever you just typed matches the address that wasprinted in the paper, on the side of the bus, in your e-mail,wherever. Make sure you haven't added an extra "t" in "http://" orleft out one of those slashes. Remember that Web sites never havebackslashes (\), like you see in Windows, nor do they includeconsecutive periods.Finally, don't assume that all Web addresses begin with thecanonical "http://www." Online stores and banks often have addressesbeginning with "https" -- the "s" indicates a secure site, in whichdata transfers are encrypted against eavesdropping. And many sitesreplace the "www" with another term, such as "home," or omit itentirely. (See item 3 for exceptions to this exception.)2) Tilde wave The tilde (~), that squiggly key that sits left of 1and above Tab on your keyboard, is probably responsible for more "Ican't reach your Web site" e-mails from readers than anything else.The tilde looks like a hyphen, so people -- well, non-Spanish-speaking people -- type in the more familiar hyphen character insteadof the tilde, therefore failing to connect to the Web site inquestion. Actually, tildes are much more common in Web addressesthan hyphens; this character is most often used to denote individualusers' directories on a single Web site. You'll most often seetildes at educational (.edu) sites and at Web servers set up byInternet providers for their own customers. The underscore (_) canbe equally troublesome.3) Address amputation If you try to visit a page and get a "pagenot found" error, indicating that there's no such file on hand, trylopping off the address from right to left, one slash at a time.Each slash marks off a directory; when you trim the address, you'removing higher up in the site. So if http://www.badwebsite.com/directory/wrongdirectory/ oops.html won't work, delete"oops.html." If that doesn't work, get rid of "wrongdirectory/" andsee what happens. And so on. Eventually, you will either determinethat the entire site has gone offline (see item 5), or you will finda level of the Web site that works -- which, hopefully, will alsolead you to an index or a site-search function that can locate yourmissing page.It can help to check the heart of the address -- the stuff betweenthe http:// and the next slash. Does it have some weird prefixes(say, "www2," "test," or names out of science-fiction novels, TheSimpsons or Greek mythology) before its domain name -- thewhoever.com, whatisit.net or whatnot. edu in the address? Tryreplacing that oddball prefix with "www"; this can often get you tothe front door a lot quicker. Or not.4) Browser roulette What if you can reach the page you want, butit looks like junk or appears to be blank? You've just been remindedof the Web industry's immaturity. Many Web sites are "optimized" fora particular browser -- meaning that they may not work in otherbrowsers. Many Web browsers, in turn, don't correctly support thevarious standards for Web content -- meaning a properly written sitewill look broken. The only choice when this happens is to fire upanother browser and point it to the page at issue. It's annoying tohave to keep a copy of both Netscape Navigator and Internet Exploreraround, yes, but at least they're both free (aside from the non-trivial time it takes to download and install these beasts).If you use an older browser -- say, the 2.0 version of Netscape oran old version of America Online -- you should upgrade if it's at allpossible. Many Web sites today assume a version 3.0 or newer browser(the latest version of Netscape is 4.5, while IE is at version 4.5 onthe Mac and 5.0 on Windows).5) Internet disservice providersIf you immediately hit a "site not found" or "host not reachable"message and you know you typed the domain name correctly -- or ifyou've tried all of the other debugging techniques listed here -- itmay be time to blame your Internet provider. If most of the Websites you normally visit seem to have gone offline, the fault isalmost certainly with your provider, or with whatever networkproviders are "upstream" of it. In that case, try another Internetprovider -- say, at work, at a Web-connected library or on a friend'scomputer.Or give the site and your provider time to heal themselves. TheInternet as a whole tends to slow down during business hours and inthe early evening, and popular sites can be swamped during rush hour.Likewise, if some clod has just run over one of your provider'scables with a backhoe, you'll have to wait for things to get pluggedback together again.If you can't get to a site on two different providers -- and ifyou've tried over several hours -- the problem is more likely withthe site. Send a polite note to the site's webmaster; address it towebmaster@, followed by the site's domain name (not the fullwww.whatever, just the name-dot-com part). Some may find it moretherapeutic to stick pins in the nearest voodoo doll.6) Give up -- for now... Still flummoxed by that recalcitrantsite? Consider what it is you've been clawing at so desperately. Doyou really need to see the list of supporting characters in even-numbered Star Trek sequels right now? Will your computer explode ifyou don't download Microsoft's latest bug-fix in the next fiveminutes? Is ordering that sweater by phone an unacceptablealternative to clicking through the catalogue's Web site? Perhapsit's nothing that can't wait until tomorrow: Turn off the computerand go for a jog, read a book or bake some cookies.Questions? Comments? Unreachable Web sites? E-mail Rob Pegoraroat rob@twp.com.